Every parent’s worst fear is that their child will put a naked video of themselves on the internet. Turns out, it’s also every child’s worst fear that their parent will put a naked video of themselves on the internet, too. I know this because that fear came true for me last night.

Tony and I were catching up on Ray Donovan just before midnight, Tony also scrolling through Facebook on his phone because he can never do just one thing at a time, when all of a sudden he muttered, “Oh God. Oh no. What?! Babe, did you see what your mom just posted?”

Of course I didn’t, I was too focused on the magic that is Jon Voight dancing to be trolling Facebook.

Tony paused the DVR and held up his phone, on which a 21-second clip was playing of my mom’s attempt at an ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. She was in the shower, it was framed far enough below her shoulders that she appeared to be naked and she was soaking wet, giggle-slurring “I’d like to nominate my beautiful cousin Monica, my beautiful friend Elizabeth, and my beautiful sister Carolyn.” Then she started laughing so hard I couldn’t understand what she was saying, and then the video stopped. THAT WAS ALL THERE WAS.

Frantic, I called my mom to ask what the heck was going on up there. This was past her bedtime! Five hours earlier, she’d been upset Tony said the word “d**g” (sounds like “pong”) in his ALS Ice Bucket Challenge video, and now she’s naked in hers? How many glasses of chardonnay had she had? And why did the video start after she’d clearly taken the challenge?!

She swore up and down that she’d only had “one” glass of vino with “lots” of ice because she was nervous about filming with a 24-hour deadline, and she was actually wearing a bathing suit but wanted to look naked to “out-funny” Tony being in his underwear in his video (and it was totally appropriate, anyway, because you couldn’t technically see anything, and also she was in the shower where people go naked all the time!) She also shared that she filmed a 2 minute-long video that showed her doing the challenge, but it was too big for Facebook to upload and she forgot to nominate anyone. So, sopping wet, she filmed a second video with her nominations, uploaded just that one, and called it a night.

She texted me the first, 2-minute long video. It was even worse/more amazing.

She’d styled her hair and was wearing dangly, formal earrings. Still seemingly unattired. Still seemingly drunk. She was speaking in a very slow, serious tone, like you might if a cop pulled you over for drunk driving and you needed to convince him how sober you were. It takes her about 15 seconds to spell out ALSA.org. Then, she explains that California is in a drought, so she’s going to get ready for bed using her ice bucket. She brushes her teeth. Cracks herself up as she rinses until she foams at the mouth. Covers herself in soap, which she has trouble with because she’s completely dry and it’s not spreading easily. Then she takes my dad’s wine bucket, which is full of ice and water, douses herself, and moans like she’s been hit by a dump truck. That’s where it ends.

I asked her what she was thinking and she said, “Your father thought it was great! He said, ‘That’s a wrap!’ and went to bed.”

Even if my mother is telling the truth and she wasn’t inebriated, my father was clearly in no state to make this judgement call, or he would not have allowed this to happen.

She really thought it was a good idea to leave it up, but I explained that strangers might not understand what a hilarious jokester she is (which she is – obviously) and they’d think she filmed it seriously, and it would probably end up on BuzzFeed or a late night talk show. She explained that she thought only her 58 friends, who know she’s funny and would never ever get naked online, would see it. Then, she asked, “Do you think Kim Kardashian had second thoughts about filming her video?!” I said, “Sleep on it.” Then I logged into her Facebook and took it down.

I’ve never felt more mom-ish, and if this is anything like what parenthood is actually like, I don’t want it. I can’t handle the stress. It makes wedding planning feel as zen as a yoga class in comparison.

I checked in this morning, and Mom was feeling slightly more reasonable, and decided it was best to keep the video private. Why? Because she felt that with her uncontrollable giggles, she didn’t want to even hint that she was making light of a very serious subject – she still wasn’t worried about appearing naked. (She’s really owning that one.)

In case you think I’m exaggerating, here is a screen grab:

{Imagine shrieking violins from a Hitchcock horror film here}

Whenever I have a bad day, I’m going to watch that video. It is the best/worst thing that has ever happened to me.

***Addendum, from Mom: The current copy is in a vault and will only see the light of day if it raises a million dollars for A….L….S….A….dot….org, because my daughter assured me this is the most horrifying shower scene since PSYCHO.