{On a recent date night at LACMA}

Over twenty years ago, a psychologist named Arthur Aron drew up a list of 36 questions to test the theory that any two strangers can fall in love. The questions grow increasingly personal and, when both parties have answered all of them, they stare into each others eyes for four minutes. The craziest thing of all? Dr. Aron tried it on two strangers in his laboratory, and six months later, they got married.

Did Dr. Aron discover the secret to beating Tinder and winning at life/love more than two decades ago? Maybe. I thought it would be a fun blog topic to put to the test, even though I’ve been in love with Tony for almost four years. Full disclosure: I read about the study in a recent New York Times article, and shot Tony the list of questions without actually reading them… I thought it would be funny and cute since we already know each other so well, and I was rushing to meet a girlfriend for drinks. The whole thing seemed harmless.

Cut to me coming home to Tony on the sofa in his underwear with tears in his eyes, answering these questions while watching a documentary about Alzheimer’s Disease. (Nothing like treating him to a nice night after a long day at work with things like an hour of questions about his deepest, most vulnerable feelings about the world, his childhood and me!) Turns out the questions are pretty probing – on par with the discussion topics in the hardcore marriage class we took last year (which you can read about here and here). No wonder people want to get married after answering these questions! They probably never want to go on a first date again!

Tony did answer everything, but asked me not to publish his answers because they’re too personal. He did finally give me approval to share his responses to #14 and #25, though:

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it? Skydiving. I guess I always just kind of put it to the side because it wasn’t a priority.

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling … “ We both want children. We both love dogs. We both love ice cream.

Deep. To the point. Accurate. Hilarious. I love him. And both of us agreed these are important things to discuss with your person, no matter what stage you’re at in your relationship… Just, maybe don’t whip them out on a first date unless your partner consents to this little science experiment. Four minutes of heavy eye contact is pretty intense.

Here are the questions:

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling … “

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share … “

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.