Filed in LIFE & LOVE |
{Tony + me, at the Beverly Hills courthouse last week}
I’m writing this from the beach in Tahoe, while Tony and his childhood best friend Rob fall off paddle boards on the lake. When I’m done writing, I’m going home to make a dent in the imperial size champagne bottle Rob brought us. The rest of our friends and family are pouring in this week. And in a few days (6, to be exact), I get to marry my best friend here, in my favorite place in the world. I am in complete and utter bliss.
Before I got to this state of happiness, though, there was a lot to check off the list in L.A. Namely, getting our marriage license. So, you know, we can actually get married. But, in order to get it I learned, you first have to decide whether or not you’re changing your last name. And that decision was something I have struggled over for the entirety of our engagement.
Let me first say this: I love the name Cavalero. It is attached to the person I love most in this world. Pasta is my favorite, and I want to live inside of The Talented Mr. Ripley, (only without the murder part). It would only make sense that I should have an Italian last name. But, I’ve been a Baria for almost 30 years. It’s my name. It’s who I am. Annie Baria. When I was a little kid (and, let’s be honest, to this day), when I’m upset about something my dad always says “You’re a Baria, and Barias are strong.” Just writing that made me a little weepy, and the idea of losing that identity makes me really anxious.
And, from a more practical standpoint, I’ve worked really hard in a really competitive industry for (a very few) people to know my name. I know this sounds silly, but I don’t want to be forgotten or, if I’m being melodramatic, lose my identity. This day in age, when Beyoncé and Taylor Swift rule the universe, it seems almost anti-feminist to change my name for a man. Like, in doing so, I’m assuming my “wife” role and prepping to cook dinner in heels and pop out babies.
But, when I really thought about it, that statement (and the implied judgement on women who choose to change their name) is the most anti-feminist thing I could do. And even Beyoncé, who declared girls run the world, went on the Mrs. Carter tour. Changing your name doesn’t have anything to do with your identity or professional prowess or independence, if you don’t let it.
One of my best friends’ husband changed his middle name to her maiden name; it’s not hyphenated, they use his last name, but he did that as a show of love and understanding of her sacrifice for him. I pitched that hard but, for everyone who thinks Tony does whatever I want, he said no. And I’m respecting that.
So, it came down to me and my decision. And, at the end of the day, I am building a family with Tony. It was really important to him and I ultimately realized, it’s really important to me, too. I want to have the same name as my kids and my husband. I don’t want people to wonder if we’re divorced. I thought about keeping Baria professionally, but that just seems like a headache to me; I get annoyed enough when I have to debate whether to put Annie or Anne on a form. I called my parents to tell them my decision, prepared for them to be sad, or to grieve it the way I have or feel like they’re “losing me,” but it turned out that I was the only melodramatic one. My dad laughed and told me he thought that was a perfect decision, and that I’d always be a Baria no matter what my name is. And hearing that gave me the freedom to be excited about this next chapter as Annie Cavalero.
So, come this Saturday, I will be a Cavalero. Mrs. Tony Cavalero. My initials will be ABC. Annie Cavalero… It has a nice ring to it. I can’t wait. (But I CAN wait to go to the DMV, and call all my credit card companies, and tell the vet the dogs’ new last name is Cavalero. Maybe I’ll put all that on Tony’s honey-do list instead…) In the meantime, I’ll do the best I can keeping up with the blog with our wedding and honeymoon happening over the coming weeks, but please follow me on Instagram to keep in touch and be a part of the fun. Thank you so much for all of your love and support in this happy time!
Did you change your last name, or do you want to when you get married? Why or why not?
8 Comments
Len and I were engaged for a year and a half and, for all the same reasons you mentioned above, I also grappled with the thought of taking his last name. It meant the world to him, but I felt like it was somehow removing ME from the world — at least the “me” I had been for 26 years. We talked about hyphenating, but combining to Kuestner-Luczkowski would end up giving people name reading induced aneurysms. Then at the oddest moment — while ordering sensible monogrammed totes for myself and my bridesmaids — I realized I wanted to have the same last name as my husband. I wanted to become a same-named family unit. The simple fact that this decision was completely up to me ultimately satisfied all of my icky anti-feminist concerns … And it turned out to satisfy all of my previously untapped traditional values. I have been Mrs. Meghann Luczkowski for almost 10 years now, and have never once regretted it. Congrats on working out the best name decision for YOU — and on a new life of added respect at Italian restaurants.
I LOVE THIS SO MUCH. Thank you for sharing, it makes me feel more solid and safe in my decision!! (Not gonna lie, the Italian restaurant cred is a bonus I look forward to taking advantage of on the regular.) Thank you again!! xx
I didn’t end up changing mine but fully respect all who do. And just like you – future ABC – I wrote a blog post about it! Here’s my little internal debate ;) http://20-nothings.com/2014/06/why-im-not-changing-my-name-i-think/
Thanks so much, Jessie :) And I am SO SORRY I forgot to share this beautiful and funny piece you’d written in the midst of the wedding madness. It reflects so many of my own sentiments, with you coming out on the other side, which I love. Thanks again for linking to it here!!!!
I pretty much didn’t flinch at the thought of changing my name. I had a little separation anxiety as it is all I have ever known. But I was a Hopson for 30 years and I’m still a Hopson. Just because a piece of paper says Norwood doesn’t make me any less of a carb loving, dorky demeanor, sarcastic and somehow passive Hopson. I loved the idea of taking my husbands last name because I knew we would build a family and I wanted to have the same last name as my kids. With our first boy on the way I am SO excited for the name we have picked out and that it goes so well with Norwood. It’s a strong independent name and I’m already too proud of a mom for a baby who has stuck with me in tough times and poke the crap out of my insides. I’m still getting used to saying my name for whatever reason it comes up (a year and a half later) and it still gives me those happy sappy butterflies because I just love the crap out of my husband that much. Be proud!
Oh my goodness, this made me cry!!!! Love love love. So beautiful, and this makes me feel a little less anxious about my own decision, as your feelings are so similar to my own. Congratulations on your little boy on the way!!!!!!! Can’t wait to hear what the name is and see pics :) So happy for you! X A
Annie, I TOTALLY understand where you are coming from!!!!! My parents named my “Sarah Ashley O’Neill”, a name I have been fierecly proud of, grown to love, and let’s face it, it just sounds so pretty!!!!!!!!! (So vein of me, I know) But as it came closer to our wedding day, I too thought all of the same thoughts you write about here. When you marry the person you plan on spending the rest of your life with, you start to think about all of the “grown-up things” you most likely will embark upon… having a family, buying a home, creating family traditions, and you want these things to be as cohesive as possible. Not that changing your last name equates to those things being cohesive; as a matter of fact, I am quite sure that buying a home and raising a family will have its challenges. But you will be facing those challenges together, as a unit, under one solid name. So cheers to you (and Tony) for leaping into this next chapter of life both as Cavaleros!!! I have a feeling it is going to be an amazing story! And your dad is right, you will always be a Baria no matter the name you now sign on paper. By the way, I am pretty sure it took me close to a year to make my last name officially “Rotella” (because the DMV, credit card companies, insurance companies, and anyone else that has my name can wait!!!! And I occasionally procrastinate :-))
Sarah Ashley O’Neill is SO pretty!! Love this, and thank you so much for reading and supporting the blog :) Your sweet note makes me feel even more solid in the decision (and better about my own procrastination!!) X A