One of my mom’s favorite ways to guilt trip my dad is to softly, longingly lament, “Paul McCartney never spent a night apart from Linda throughout their entire marriage. Not until she died.” I have no idea if this is a true statement or not, but I heard it countless times growing up, whenever my dad would take a business trip (or golf trip). And this weekend, my dad, brother and I took a last minute trip to Austin to visit my uncle. Both Mom and Tony couldn’t come, and so yet again, my dad is reminded that he is not Paul McCartney. And I’m not either. (Obviously. I’m not a man, I can’t sing and I don’t have a British accent, as much as I wish I could and do on those last two. I like being a lady.)

Clearly, being married to Sir Paul was a special circumstance. If my husband was an international rock star, I’d go wherever he went, too. Heck, my husband is a semi-international Lifetime-star-to-be, and I spent a month house-wifing it up in Canada while he was working. I can write anywhere and my career is still in more of the “chasing my dream” phase than the “I’m getting paid” phase, so his takes priority right now.

But, life happens and sometimes it’s hard to always be able to go to bed in the same city every night. This time, it was because I wanted to go away to be with family. Often, it’s because Tony has booked a job that requires him to be somewhere else. I always try to go with him if I can, but we have 3 dogs, a home and lots of commitments in Los Angeles and that’s not always possible. Especially because I would love to have a career like his, and you kind of have to be in L.A. to achieve it… It sometimes feels like a “can’t win” situation; I feel like I’m not prioritizing our relationship and the family we’re building together if I don’t go away with him, but it also feels a little anti-feminist to say things like “his job takes priority right now.”

Call it the “lean in,” “have it all” mentality that’s expected of women today. You can have a successful and fulfilling career while your spouse has a successful and fulfilling career, and at the same time have a successful and fulfilling family life… But, the dirty little secret is that there are only so many hours in the day, and succeeding at one sometimes takes away from the other unless you have a private jet, personal assistant, chef, housekeeper and nanny at your disposal. (And, if you’re looking at the divorce rates of high net worth individuals who do have all those things, it’s still really, really hard.) And don’t even get me started on anxiety about how to find the balance when kids enter the picture!

The thing is, I don’t sleep well when I’m not with Tony. I strongly identify with the male prairie voles in this study, and I take comfort in the fact that I’m not alone in my separation anxiety (even if this statement puts me in the company of rodents). Some might call our dynamic “co-dependent,” but I like to call it “a good team.” I feel like I’m the best version of myself, firing on all (or at least most of) my cylinders, when we’re together.

Right now, when fears that I’m not “leaning in” hard enough pop up, or I feel like I’m making “anti-feminist” decisions, I try to remind myself that the most feminist thing of all is making the choice myself, deciding what’s right for me and my family. And again, it’s not like I’m not working… I mean, I’m away right now and I’m spending the day writing. In a bathrobe. In bed. (And later, I’ll go write by the pool. So. I can write anywhere!)

How do you juggle the balance, if your spouse has to travel for work? Or you do?