{Me + Lucy a few years ago, both as Madonna}

Honestly, I’m not crazy about Halloween. On good days, I get to play dress up for a living and it just seems like a lot of effort to put into getting drunk and bingeing on candy… I can do that in my sweatpants any day of the year, and I don’t know why I have to dress up like a sexy cat or a loofah in order to do it on October 31. Really, it’s the only holiday standing between me and starting to play Christmas music this time of year (which will begin promptly at midnight as soon as Halloween is over).

But in the meantime, I’m trying to get into the spirit of the season. Tony loves scary movies, scary books, scary experiences, scary anything. I went to Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios with him and some friends last year, but ended up hiding in the bathroom for most of the night. So this year, I’m trying to take it down a notch. An awesome reader Jen recommended Smoke Gets In Your Eyes: And Other Lessons From The Crematory (a real life book by a real life mortician all about death) and it is currently scaring the living daylights out of me. And last night, Tony and I went to a screening of The Exorcist that was followed by a pretty incredible Q&A with the director, William Friedkin.

However, Tony and I were invited to a Halloween party on Saturday that he reallyreallyreally wants to go to, so I’m trying to figure out what to dress up as without having to actually buy/put effort into anything. Here is what I’ve come up with so far:

The Social Media Version Of Yourself (Get your hair and make-up done, wear your favorite outfit and tell everyone how perfect your life is.)

What You Went As Last Year (And Every Year Before That. I’ve been Madonna pretty much every year of my adult life, since I lived in the apartment next to one of her hairstylists and he did my hair with her extensions for Halloween and went with me as Guy Ritchie, because it really doesn’t get better than that.)

A Bride (I just really want an excuse to wear my dress again but I think it would terrify children to see me in it, unzipped because I barely fit, with melted candy and red wine dripping down my face.)

A New Mother (Stop showering today, then wear your bathrobe and eating pants. This actually sounds glorious.)

Your Husband/Boyfriend/Girlfriend/Loved One (Steal their clothes, and then just repeat their most annoying catchphrases all night.)

Amanda Seyfried in Mean Girls (Just wear your sexiest outfit, then add animal ears. Duh, you’re a mouse! This will be totally meta, because most girls at most parties will actually be dressed as sexy mice/cats/devils/angels/etc.)

A Hipster (Wear pants 2 sizes too small, a giant scarf if it’s hot or suspenders and a bra if it’s cold, glasses especially if you don’t have a prescription, and dye streaks in your hair with organic artisanal food coloring.)

A Beauty Queen (This is just an excuse to wear one of those gowns in your closet and a tiara. I may not love Halloween, but I love reasons to don formalwear.)

Blogger (Go to Forever 21 and buy the trendiest things you can find. This is mostly an excuse to go shopping.)

A Yoga Instructor (Wear Lululemon.)

An Athlete (Wear Lululemon.)

A Lazy Girl (Wear Lululemon.)

An Animal Hoarder (Just stay home on the sofa with your dogs, in Lululemon. This is what I’m going as this year if I can talk Tony into skipping the party!)

SIDENOTE – My dad is currently in town for business, and just asked me what I was working on. When I told him, his eyes lit up and he suggested the following costumes: “You could go as a meat sandwich, and just cover yourself in deli meats you have in the fridge!” and then, after thinking for a few more minutes, “You could cut the hedges in your yard, duct tape the trimmings to yourself and go as a bush. Like Ben Stiller in one of his movies.” And with that, he wins the costume contest, and life.

Here’s a list of the most popular Halloween costumes on Pinterest. Any other ideas for me? What are you going as this year?