Filed in LIFE & LOVE |
{Putting on a happy(ish) face for my #InstagramHusband, sucking down that liquid courage to write this last night!}
Guys, I’m going to be brutally honest with this one. I’m positively wrecked about turning 30. This week, I’ve cried twice in public (only one was an ugly cry, though, so let’s call that a win). And I’ve cried every day in private. Last night, I cried myself to sleep. This morning, I woke up to a text from Tony that said “My heart beats for you” with a link to an article about women who didn’t find success until after 30, and it made me cry all over again. I love birthdays and normally believe in birthday months, but I am a mess over this one. I think it’s mostly because I’m a perfectionist, and I’m entering a new decade with so much of my life completely and entirely not figured out. I am so far from where I wanted to be when I turned 30, as far as success, accomplishments and looking at my life “on paper” goes. And I feel like I’ve really got to get my sh*t together on the inside, too. I always looked at 30-year-olds as “grown-ups,” people who have it together and are in the midst of their lives finally taking off. They’re hitting their strides in their careers, starting families, doing yoga and eating organic things that don’t cause cancer or heart disease (whereas, I’m pretty sure most of the things I like to eat will eventually kill me. And if all the frosting and tacos and macaroni & cheese and cacio e pepe and burgers and fries don’t, the amount of hairspray and spray-on SPF 70 I use on the daily will.) I thought when I turned 30, I’d either be a successful screenwriter, funny “second banana” to the less-funny, hot girl lead on a sitcom, or maybe a mom who dons size 2 lululemon to jog her kids to school in a Bugaboo.
That is not my life. Far from it. (The last time I wore a size 2, I was coming off a break-up and running 5 miles a day 7 days a week and eating rabbit food like lettuce, carrots and sadness. I didn’t enjoy it.) I told you guys a few weeks ago that my goal for 30 was simply to like my body the way it is, and I’m finding that really hard when I literally have to lie down to get my pants on after my epic taco binge in Mexico. And I always knew Hollywood would be an unstable rollercoaster, but I didn’t think you could get thrown from that rollercoaster, get a head injury, and then still want to go back on the rollercoaster again. And then have that happen again. And again. And again. Just when I didn’t think I could possibly be humbled (depressed) anymore, something else humbles (depresses) me even further. I used to have the same agents as Melissa McCarthy, Reese Witherspoon and Jennifer Lawrence. Now, I don’t have any. I will turn 30 “seeking representation.” I had representation when I turned 20. I’ve written 11 scripts, none of which have sold. I got “pinned to test” once (which means, after 3-5 auditions with hundreds of other girls, it is down to you and 1-3 others for one final audition for a part on a new TV show), and I thought my life was going to change. But then I got word I’d only test if Ashley Tisdale said no to the part. And then Ashley Tisdale said no and they decided re-write the role entirely, and poof it was gone. Three of my friends have booked pilots this year, and I haven’t gotten an audition for one. And I don’t know how I’m supposed to love a baby when most of the time, I don’t like myself very much.
I say this not for you to feel sorry for me, because we all have our own shit. And I was worried about writing about this publicly, because I love my husband and parents so much and it feels kind of like a slap in the face to them, that they do so much to make me happy and somehow I still feel like a miserable failure. But, I share it because I put a very cultivated image on this blog that, while honest and real, is also only a portion of my life. You don’t come here to be bummed out, and so I try to limit these types of posts. But recently, a few friends have commented on my personal Facebook page things like “You have the perfect life! Congratulations!” And I realized only showing the “perfect” side of things might bum you out, too, so today I’m sharing this equally honest aspect of my life. I also think (hope) I’m not alone in feeling a little lost in life, especially with this huge age-milestone highlighting it all, so maybe we can feel alone together in wondering if we’ll ever feel like we’ve got it together and life is what we dreamed it would be. “Enjoy the journey,” and all that jazz. I really should get around to reading that Wayne Dyer book Tony bought me…
Maybe part of the problem is that, re-reading the above paragraphs, I let myself off the hook this decade, telling myself, “Don’t worry. You’ll get there. You’re not really a grown-up yet. You still have time.” Even though I’ve made very grown-up choices, like getting married and adopting three dogs and trying to eat healthy and go to the gym sometimes. I just still don’t feel like one. But I put a deadline on it, and now I’m almost 30 and I don’t feel any different. I still call my mom almost every day to help me figure my life out. Do 30-year-olds do that? Or do they decide on their own whether to cut two inches or four inches off their hair, or how to respond to an important email? I think I’m confusing the world, too. I had a meeting with a producer yesterday and was asked, “How old are you? You could be 22, or 35.” Good thing I had Xanax in my bag!!
If you’re planning to send a gentle and loving email to suggest therapy, don’t worry. I’m already in it. (On the way home every week, I get an iced almond milk latte and scare the cashier guy with my tear-stained face, and then I take my dogs for a pensive stroll through the canyon. I’m as L.A. as it gets.) I try to meditate every day (thanks, Headspace!), and also count my blessings – I write a weekly gratitude list here. I have a husband who I love more than I ever thought was possible to love another human, who loves me just as much. I have three dog-babies that I am obsessed with. I got a ghostwriting job for a feature comedy that gave me a sense of purpose when I really, really, really needed one. And I have this blog. While it doesn’t pay the bills, I did snag a free mattress out of it! But, it has been one of the greatest career gifts of all because it gives me a sense of routine, purpose and control; I am singularly accountable. If I don’t wake up and do it, it doesn’t get written. And no one can tell me it isn’t “right for the marketplace” or “needs to be more likable” or is “too funny for a girl.” (All notes I’ve gotten, that last one on a script that I was informed would have no options for the lead if Melissa McCarthy said no. I’ve also been told Angelina Jolie is the only woman who can open a movie at the box office, and to try to think of ideas that have at least one male lead.) Here, no one tells me no. I decide what to write and when it’s ready to share and, for better or worse, it’s on me. And I’ve met new friends through writing here everyday from all over the world, and created a support system for myself. (Hi and thank you! I hope, if anything, this blog has shown you how much you and your support mean to me!)
A week from today, I turn 30. I am still seeking representation. I’m going to keep getting back on that Hollywood rollercoaster until I survive it, or it kills me. And maybe one day, I’ll feel okay enough in the lululemon pants I currently fit in that I’ll be ready to have a baby and jog it to school in an affordable stroller (or okay enough that, if the best I can do is just get out of bed, put the kid in the car and drive to school in my pajamas, I’ll still be up for it. I’m really working on my perfectionist tendencies, guys.) I also recently got a facial, and my aesthetician asked why I was breaking out so much (an early birthday gift from my body, even though I’m getting 30-year-old wrinkles now, I still get 20-year-old acne!) And I poured my heart out to her, and said I thought my body was physically rejecting the idea of turning 30. And she compassionately squealed, “Oh my god, I know exactly what you’re going through! I felt that way when I turned 27 this year! Why don’t you just tell people you’re 27?” So, maybe that’s the answer. If you see this blog mysteriously gone in a few days and my birthday never mentioned again, just know it’s because I changed my mind and decided not to participate in reality and will be 27 until I sell a script, book a role in a TV show, or feel confident enough in my ability to function as a human that I can pop out a baby. Yes. I like this plan. Next Thursday, I look forward to all of you wishing me a happy 27th birthday! (Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to have some wine and a few of the cupcakes I smuggled home from a party last night for breakfast.)
25 Comments
Oh Annie! First off, reading this blog and interacting with you in the comments makes you feel more like a friend than someone I’ve never met and I love your blog so much. I’m so glad you’ve stuck with it and that it gives you purpose because reading your blog posts helps me feel a little less alone. And who doesn’t want to feel connected to other people? And I think everything you wrote is so honest to what it is to feel like when you don’t have your shit together at 30. And I admire SO much that you are not trying to make yourself fit into the mold of Hollywood wants. I love that you write scripts for females and that you’re not afraid to be funny and true to what you want. And I truly believe that you will find success, because if nothing else, the following on this blog shows you that there are people who are looking for people in Hollywood like you. And I do think you have your shit together more than some people cause you at least know what you want. You may not be there yet, but you know what you want to do–what your passion is–and you have a partner in life who supports that passion. So I say–be gentle with yourself, enjoy some wine, let yourself cry, and be proud that you stay true to the version of you that you want to be. I think you have it a little more together than you give yourself credit for :) And at least take comfortable that this girl here from Wisconsin feels like she’s floundering too. But at least we’re not floundering alone right?
Very well said. (Better than I could, that’s why I cling onto your comment). I’ve been having a quarter life crisis for some years now and I don’t even want to think of my 30th birthday in 2 years, I still feel 24 and not grown at all (and I don’t really want to change). And Annie, I totally admire these kind of articles, because they hit home very hard and make me think about my own life.
Let’s stay forever young. Age is nothing but a number! (want any more motivating slogans?)
I LOVE a good slogan, I am always up for any and all motivational slogans!!!! I totally know what you’re going through (obviously), and am so so so grateful for your support. Thank you for reading and chiming in, it means the world to me. And enjoy those last 2 years of your 20’s while I take the slow, dark march into my 30’s… Thank you again, sweets!!!! X A
GIRL, I’M CRYING AGAIN. This is so beautiful. Thank you so so so much, Heidi. Your support means so much to me, I can’t even tell you! It is the best thing in the world knowing that there are people out there I don’t know who like what I write. I am so grateful for you. And so happy to have this camp of wonderful ladies to be less alone with here on the blog! THANK YOU. X A
I feel the same way about turning 30 in two months. There is crying every night, feeling like a failure, feeling irrational for feeling this way…
Thank you for this post. I don’t feel so alone!
Awww, I am right there with you!! (Obviously.) Thank you for chiming in and making ME feel less alone. WE CAN DO THIS. Thank you so much!!!! X A
I’m so glad you shared this. It’s ok to feel like you don’t have your shit together, because I don’t know that even people twice our age (I’m 32 in October) always feel like they have their shit together. Its just doing the best with what you’ve got, one day at a time. I’m sure you’ve heard this a million times, but its what keeps me going when I fear that I’m not on the right path or not doing “enough”.
*edit. when i originally wrote this. I thought I was 30 turning 31 this fall. You’ll see that I’m turning 32! Let the record state I momentarily forgot my own age. This is how little the actual number you are turning matters. As long as you feel young in your mind, its all gravy! :D
Brandy, I LOVE THIS. Thank you so much for these sweet and generous words. I ALWAYS need a reminder that doing my best is enough, even though oftentimes it doesn’t feel like it. I really, really, really appreciate this. (Also, I have called Tony my boyfriend SEVERAL times recently, so I can totally see myself forgetting my age, too :) In fact, I hope that happens.) Thank you again!! X A
I wish you a very “Happy Birthday”, dear Annie, and what I’m about to say is not meant to make you feel bad, but meant to maybe put things in perspective for you. My son didn’t live to see his 30th birthday. Be grateful for everyday you wake up with another wrinkle, another pimple, another pound, another challenge, because they are each reminders that you are alive❤️
Carol, my heart breaks for your loss and I am so very, very sorry. This is an important reminder, thank you. Sending so much love to you and Sal.
Love to you, too, sweetheart. I truly hope you enjoy your birthday?
Thank you so much. Sending you hugs and love <3
Annie!
It takes someone brave and strong to be this open and vulnerable. Thank you. You’re telling the truth here — maybe not the truth you want but what’s actually true, what’s really real for you, and if that’s not the most mature and grown-up thing you could do then I don’t know what is! Thanks for being your own sweet wonderful human self. Being vulnerable is actually a really powerful thing, ESPECIALLY as a woman, and a young woman at that, in your area and industry; you’re an important witness to those around you who are also struggling and wondering, and now not feeling quite as alone as they might have before. Brava.
Also–in case you haven’t seen it elsewhere, I’ve found this Liz Gilbert quote so helpful and inspiring in a realistic way–
“The women whom I love and admire for their strength and grace did not
get that way because shit worked out. They got that way because shit
went wrong, and they handled it. They handled it in a thousand different
ways on a thousand different days, but they handled it.”
Keep on confusing the world with your awesomeness and your ability to be your FULL self–young and wise and silly and smart and gorgeous and hysterical and everything in between. I believe in you! (Also, I’ll be in LA briefly next month if you need to cry or rage over cacio e pepe. I’d love to take you out for a belated birthday something if you’re around!)
xo
Alissa, you magical woman!!!!!! This is as gorgeous as your heart and soul. Can’t tell you how much these generous words mean to me. I’ve been dying to read Elizabeth Gilbert’s new book, and this reminded me that maybe now would be the right time to dive in. I am really, really, really grateful for this beautiful note. And I would LOVE to see you when you are in L.A. next month!!!! Email me your dates and let’s get it on the books. I cannot wait to hug you in person. So much love. Thank you again. X A
You are a rockstar for so many reasons; your honesty is stunning and connects people (see the comments below). Yes, you are closing up three decades, but you aren’t losing who you were in those decades, and you certainly aren’t done growing and changing and being the badass cake-eating mofo that you are.
I LOVE THIS SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!! You just made my night. Thank you thank you thank you. I hope, above all and no matter what happens, I am always remembered as a badass cake-eating mofo. Best compliment I’ve ever received. THANK YOU, Kailynn. X A
I wanted to tell you that you are going to be absolutely fine. I was really REALLY not thrilled about turning 30 last August. Last March my boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me because he didn’t want to get married (ever) and he didn’t want to waste anymore of my time. We had adopted a dog together. I was having a hard time with having to see him while trading off our dog; so I made the painful decision last July to cut all contact with my ex and not see the dog again. One of my good friends died last June. I thought maybe the lack of sex I was having was making everything worse and I was wasting the last month of my 20s. So I had sex with a really fat guy in July right after giving up the ability to see the dog — because I figured: I’m hot and you’re not. It felt safe and like at least I had control in this one area of my life. Turns out I did not because he never texted me again or responded to the text I sent him after we had sex. He also had read receipts on. I found FIVE gray hairs!!! But on the flip side I have a great job I was REALLY thin from being so depressed about everything. And so I went on a bunch of vacations and tinder dates and cried. My 30th birthday came and went and it changed absolutely nothing. I didn’t suddenly morph into an elderly woman. I no longer was afraid of turning 30 because it already happened. The worst part about turning 30 was the weeks leading up to it and the dread. Then it happens and its over and you’re the EXACT same as you were at 29. The grass is always greener on the other side. The main thing is not to rush. Nothing good gets away in the end. Happy Birthday :)
Girl, you have been through the RINGER. The best thing about opening up about my (albeit privileged, irrational) fears has been the outpouring of support from women, and the stories girls like you have shared. That sounds like a nightmare of a year, and I hate all of the men in this story. It sounds like you have an awesome perspective on it all, though, because you certainly just inspired me and made me feel a little better about 3/17 looming on the calendar (I’m gonna really hang onto your opinion that the weeks of dread leading up to it are worse than it happening :) THANK YOU for reading this blog, supporting me and sharing this honest note. I’m really, really grateful for it. And I LOVE what you said, “Nothing good gets away in the end.” That’s a good one. Thank you. X A
Hi Annie, happy birthday! I’ve been reading your blog since I found your article in Hello Giggles (not the most original story, I know). But I’ve been loving every entry in this blog and somehow I am amazed how much I can relate with your ups and downs even if we’re very different and I’m from the other side of the world (hello from the Philippines!). I just turned 29 last January and felt really bad that I was working throughout my birthday (I love birthdays so much and I believe it should be mandatory to have a month-long celebration). Before that, I thought I love my job and I could stay here until retirement. But February was such a hell that I had a very bad breakdown and decided to resign because I no longer love my job. I had so much fear of resigning, I was afraid of losing the stability (even if I survived in my early 20s doing freelance), my identity, of becoming that person who’s almost 30 with no defined career path, and just horribly afraid of what happens next. But I did it, and felt so much better. I may no longer have a fancy (corporate) title come April and IT’S OKAY! It’s okay to not be that “successful career woman”! I’m looking forward to being unemployed and I already have a couple of freelance things lined up.
No one required us to be “successful” at a certain age. And what is the exact definition “success”, anyway? You have this, a loving husband, your dog babies, your family, you get to perform and sooo much more! I think that’s success! :)
Happy birthday again!
Annie, this made ME cry. Thank you for being so raw. As an (almost) 28 year old writer and actress myself, I feel this so hard! You have a gift; to connect with people through your writing is true talent and girl, you’ve got it in droves. Things will happen for you; you know exactly who you are, you are busting with talent and you’ve got the support team by your side. YOU’VE GOT THIS. Thanks for creating this incredible blog – every new post is a rainbow-infused shot of gladness in my day. Love your work! Oh and happy birthday! xx
Are you my internet soulmate? I LOVE YOU. This beautiful, generous note made my night. THANK YOU. Everything you said here are the things I WANT to be but sometimes doubt I am, so I am very, very grateful for all of these kind words. Thank you for reading and supporting this blog and me! You are WONDERFUL. X A
I relate, and I appreciate your honesty. Maybe this will make you feel better: http://sugarinsixtyseconds.com/uncategorized/i-tore-a-page-out-of-a-book/
I relate, and I appreciate your honesty. Maybe this will make you feel better: http://sugarinsixtyseconds.com/uncategorized/i-tore-a-page-out-of-a-book/
I LOVE this. Thank you so much, Courtney. Just what I needed. I’m sharing this on tomorrow’s lovable links. Thank you!!
:)!!