Did I ever tell you guys about the time I completely lost my mind and bought two wedding dresses? No? (Probably because I didn’t want you to know just how crazy I truly am.) But it’s officially WEDDING WEEK up on Heels in the Hills, and I’m kicking it off with this confession. “Bridezilla” is a condition for some; for me, it was a full-blown mental illness that caused me to do things like sleep on the streets of Los Angeles like a homeless woman to be first in line for a wedding dress sample sale. I was 12th in line if I remember correctly, but I still snagged this Vera Wang (and lost my dignity.) If we’re being completely honest, I also cried last weekend when it wouldn’t fit without Spanx. My sweet husband strong-armed me into it, and then took photos of me (almost 9 MONTHS after we got married) in a gown I never wore in our yard while telling me what a beautiful bride I was. Our neighbors probably thought we were batsh*t crazy. They would not have been wrong…

I don’t have many regrets about our wedding. Everything about it was my dream come true, from the man I promised to share my life with (Tony) to the location (Tahoe) to the color of the forks (gold). But I do regret being the stupid idiot with two dresses hanging in her closet, one of which was never worn except for this psycho photo shoot, and also at a sketch show a month ago.

If you buy two dresses so you can do an outfit change at your wedding, you go girl! Do it up! But my only intended outfit change at the wedding was some white sneakers that I could dance the night away in. I bought two dresses because the logical side of my brain gradually turned to mush the closer we got to our wedding date.

I wrote about my experience sample sale’ing wedding gowns for Hello Giggles a while back. This was pretty much the same, only this time I was on the hunt, not just reporting. Suddenly, it didn’t seem so crazy to have brought your grandpa to guard your pile of tulle and lace. I went solo, because at that point I’d already visited ever bridal salon in the greater southern (and northern) California area (twice) and no one wanted to go urban camping with me. I get it. In the frenzy of the sale, I found this beautiful Vera Wang, in the style I always envisioned myself getting married in.

After getting naked in a room full of strangers who were also stripping down and frantically jumping in and out of dresses that normally cost as much as a car, I don’t think any of us were in a fully functioning state of mind. I panicked, and I bought it. And then I realized I’d bought a gown that I wasn’t even sure I loved because I was delirious from lack of sleep, alone without my mom or friends, and I love a good deal. There was no champagne, just a bunch of women I didn’t know in their underwear giving me the side-eye.

Why did I do it? I have trouble making my mind up on what to order at a restaurant, so picking my wedding dress after dreaming of my wedding for my entire life almost gave me an aneurysm. Also, I’m a perfectionist. So, I was looking for the gown that I would slip into and sigh with relief while my mom, dad and best friends I’d forced to watch me all cried with joy that I’D FOUND IT. The PERFECT gown. I’ve only had that calm, confident “I’ve found it!” moment once in my life, though, and it was when I met Tony. Everything else I obsess over until I end up with a muddled decision like the purchase of TWO wedding dresses.

I wrote about my search for the dress, and the saga of finding the dress, already. I just left this tidbit out because I was embarrassed, and also because it wasn’t the dress. It was a poorly-planned choice I made on the fly that has led to a very expensive piece of clothing hanging in my closet that I really need to get on eBay asap.

The one positive thing I take away from this: How lucky am I that I have a husband who jammed me into this gown (an experience not unlike trying to stuff the cream back into a Twinkie), no questions asked – then, take photos and tell me I’m beautiful. “In sickness and in health,” in action! Because clearly my mental health was in a sick place, and he loved (and loves) me anyway. And also, I get to be a cautionary tale for the rest of you brides out there; whenever people tell you you’re a bridezilla, just be secretly relieved you’re not as crazy as me…

I’m told that some very exciting news will be shareable tomorrow, so if you aren’t sick to death of our wedding already, check back! I can’t wait!!!!! HAPPY MONDAY!