{ glamour shots b/c I NEED A JOB }

I recently tried to delete my age from IMDb because that’s the sort of thing I’m doing with my life these days, and they refused (apparently there is some crazy lawsuit drama because actors are saying “Oh hey, age discrimination!” and IMDb is all back “But if we remove your age, how will people discriminate against you?”) So until my birth date is wiped from the interwebs, happy 31st birthday to me! This year, I don’t have the melodrama of entering a new decade to whine about or reflect on. I’m just “in my 30’s” now. I’ve become the sort of person who says things like, “I’m going out of town for my birthday because if I’m not home, then did I really even turn a year older????” (Don’t worry, I’m embarrassed for myself.)

Tony and I are going away for the weekend to celebrate though, which I’m so excited for. Things have been hectic the past few weeks and I mostly can’t wait to just sleep. (Old person thing to say.) I’m proud to tell you that the time I’ve taken away from the blog to dedicate more to writing and acting has been used responsibly. (Old person thing to say.) (I am proud, though. I was worried I’d become a lot more active on Instagram, but fortunately the fear of failure was stronger than the fear of missing a pic of a party I wasn’t invited to or a celeb hawking their protein powders/lip inflators/things I buy after a glass or 3 of wine.) Tony keeps telling me it’s the hardest he’s ever seen me work, and I think it is the hardest I’ve ever worked.  I feel like I’m racing against the clock a little bit; I still have the teenage mentality that getting pregnant would bring shame to my family, but the reality is I’m “in my 30’s” now, and starting a family would be a totally normal and reasonable thing to do. (Also, my mom has done a 180 from 15 years ago, and now all she wants is for me to get pregnant.) It doesn’t feel like a race against the biological clock, even though realistically, I know that it is. It feels more like a race against a timer I set for myself, to achieve some level of career or self-worth that will magically allow me to unlock the next level of my life once the career box is checked off, like life is some sort of To Do List video game. (Old person video game.) I’ve talked to a lot of my close girlfriends a lot about this lately, and am relieved I’m not alone in feeling this way. My mom friends keep telling me that work ethic gets stronger after having kids, because you have to reprioritize and use time more wisely… And then I remember that, on average, it takes me 45 minutes and input from Tony to craft a simple email.

30 was as massive a year as I built it up to be in my brain, as significant and big as all the worries I had about what turning the 3-0 meant. It feels like we packed a few years into one, or maybe the cliche is true that the older you get, the more time seems to hit warp speed. (Old person thing to say.) It’s hard to believe that at this time last year, School of Rock was just premiering; I turned 30 while we were in New York for him to do press. And now, he’s in the middle of shooting season 3. We sold the house that I spent 7 years in, nearly my entire adulthood, and bought our dream home. We renovated our dream home, and our marriage survived. We celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary, me with a swollen club of a foot stuffed into heels because I was in denial that I’d somehow managed to break it slowly trotting along the flat, paved trail around Lake Hollywood. We went on our bucket list trip of a lifetime, a safari to Africa, which was life changing and an experience that I think helped knock me out of my funk (old person term for “massive depression”) and get my butt back in gear career-wise. We deepened a few friendships (tried to re-word that one a bunch of different ways, and came up empty on a non-creepy way to phrase it); our circle is smaller because we don’t have the time or energy to go out every night anymore, but it feels stronger. (I am just trying to achieve the friend level of roping someone into a pregnancy pact so I don’t have to go down that road alone.) We said goodbye to a childhood home that I still can’t talk about yet without crying. I took some risks and the world didn’t end when some of them didn’t work out. I still didn’t meditate every day (or even every month), but maybe 31 is the year for mental health! We did not adopt anymore dogs, because legally you can’t own more than 3 in Los Angeles. (Old person joke, because I have joked it so many times.)

A few weeks ago, there was a table read for the very first screenplay I wrote, Spiking the Girl, back when I was 19. Just like when I wrote it, I pulled a few nighters preparing for it (Tony did, too. So, I guess 30 wins because I could not catch a boyfriend if my life depended on it back then. I know this because I tried.) And hearing it read out loud, brought to life by an insanely talented and hilarious crew of actors, was one of the happiest moments of my life. I saw my hero Laura Bell Bundy on Broadway when I was writing that script, and over a decade later, there she was on stage reading it. That fact will never not blow my mind. Nor will the fact that after 12 years, this script is finally getting a little life. Who knows if it will actually get made (I think I hope I pray it will, but this town is stupid, you guys. I feel the need to clarify this because my grandma wrote on my Facebook wall, “All our prayers have been answered!” and I don’t want my frenemies getting too bummed. No prayers have been answered yet in this scenario except for the one where I get to call Laura Bell Bundy my friend.) But the fact that it has a shot, with amazing people attached who want to make it, after all this time is crazy and surreal and beautiful. When I was going through my rough time (old person term for “massive depression”), my best friend Katierose kept telling me, “You just have to keep showing up. Your only job is to show up.” After 12 years of showing up, this was such a beautiful win.

So, I’m declaring 31 the year of showing up. I can’t control if I’m funny/pretty/thin/young/whatever enough to get the thing, whatever the thing is, but like Katierose keeps saying, I won’t get it if I don’t show up. I’m working on a bunch of projects I am so excited about right now. I recently shot 7 episodes of a web series I co-wrote and co-star in that I can’t wait to share with you guys, and my brilliant friend Courtney Daniels recently cast me in her show This Fucking Town. Tony and I continue to work on our pilot. And I really hope my grandma’s prayers are answered with Spiking the Girl.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day, you guys! Be safe and have the best weekend.