{Vogueing in the talent tent}

{Didn’t have time for a manicure. Sorry.}

This past Saturday, I got to be Tony’s date to Nickelodeon’s 2015 Kids’ Choice Awards. So did our friends Justin and Jeneffa (Jeneffa works on School of Rock with Tony) – lucky guy got 3 dates. The inner 12-year-old in me was freaking out. If you’d told that chubby girl with a bad perm and a love for denim skorts, feverishly dialing to vote for Kenan & Kel, that she would one day be the arm candy of a Nickelodeon star on the orange carpet, she would have lost her mind.

{Tony, me + Justin in the talent tent}

It was held at The Forum in Inglewood, and Tony, Justin and I carpooled. When we arrived, we walked past bleachers full of screaming children. They stopped screaming when they saw us, probably because we’re old and not famous. I silently hoped their mothers put sunscreen on them, and took a picture like a creeper.

{My friend from college, Katie Krause, is now killing it as a host/producer for Entertainment Tonight. She’s looking so gorg + professional on the left!}

We headed straight for the talent tent because we were promised it held air conditioning and food. It did not disappoint. The menu was catered toward L.A. kids., which fortunately coincides with my favorite things to eat: mini cheeseburgers, grilled cheese, fried macaroni & cheese balls and sushi. I think there were also vegetables and salad cups, but girl didn’t mess with that nonsense. I spent most of the hour or so we hung in their grazing at the buffet. At one point, Tony turned around to introduce me to someone and realized I was gone… He had to point across the tent to me, because I’d loped across at the sight of the caterer re-loading the dessert tray. He and his new friends waved. I waved back with a pig-in-a-blanket in my hand. Adding that to the list of Life Moments I’m Ashamed Of.

{My happy place}

{Justin sipping a cup of joe. Wish I hadn’t been so busy shoveling sliders into my face to get one of these. Little did we know we had a long day ahead.}

I ate way too many sliders and brownies. From eavesdropping, I learned that you tell someone their outfit is “on fleek” if you like it. I envied the wardrobes of humans two decades my junior, and vowed to one day give my child a mohawk (which he/she will perhaps look back on the way I reflect upon the perm my mom gave me?) I was embarrassed by how relieved I felt when a 10-year-old complimented me on my bag; I wanted to be on fleek, too! It’s funny… No matter how old you are, when you’re packed into a tent with the coolest tweens on the planet, you’re shot right back to junior high, hoping your perm and skort fit in. (Or maybe that’s just me and I should discuss this with my therapist.)

{Tony’s new headshot}

{Tony + his co-stars Lance Lim + Jade Pettyjohn}

{Tony + his co-stars Breanna Yde + Aidan Miner. Clearly, they love him.}

{Tony + Lance + Kira Kosarin. She has more Instagram followers than I could ever dream of.}

Then, it was time for the cast of School of Rock to walk the orange carpet! Justin and I were supposed to be corralled with the parents, but in the sea of selfies and child stars, we lost them.

{This was the last time I saw him.}

We didn’t have orange carpet credentials, which meant we were on our own to find an alternative way to the end of the press line. We weaved through the Porta Potties behind the orange carpet to what looked like the way for non-celeb guests to meet their celeb, but instead found ourselves on the wrong side of the metal barrier with screaming fans and tired moms donning fanny packs. It was good exercise because we had to keep moving every time a golf cart needed to come in or leave with people like Iggy Azalea and Jennifer Hudson. We had fun screaming along with the fans at children I did not recognize, but can only assume are super on fleek and famous based on the sound pitch. When School of Rock finally rounded the corner, though, Justin and I were the only ones screaming “TONY CAVALERO! OVER HERE, TONY! TONY I LOVE YOU!” So he was able to actually hear us and send someone over to get us through security. No one could understand how we ended up on that side of the gate, Justin and I most of all.

{Justin + me, left behind}

{Sort of like Where’s Waldo? only my book is called Where’s Tony I’m Sweating Can We Go Inside Is There Deodorant Or Water In Your Gift Bag?}

We went through a maze of metal detector after metal detector, met up with Jeneffa and finally made it into the Forum. Tony and I decided to grab some popcorn because it had been over 45 minutes since we’d last eaten and so obviously, we were famished.

{View from our seats}

We made it to our seats just in time for the show to begin, where I proceeded to immediately make the kids take lots of selfies with me and then snarf popcorn. Then, I leaned back in my seat to Instagram how cool and youthful my life was just as the tweenage girls behind me leaned forward to scream their faces off. My ears are still ringing.

{#NoFilter. This is what the inside of our brains felt like.}

Perhaps the greatest lesson I will take away from the Kid’s Choice Awards is to bring earplugs. When we arrived, the assistant showing us to the tent chirped, “Hope you brought your earplugs!” And I laughed like a real idiot, thinking it was a joke. Joke was on me. If you’re going to be trapped in a stadium standing between a sea of children and Nick Jonas, bring earplugs. (Also, bring Advil. The sound level maintains pretty consistently at “deafening” and you’ll get a headache after your eardrums grow sort of numb to the noise.)

{Making the kids selfie}

{Breanna, killing it on TV}

The show itself, though, was a blast. I got light-headed when Liam Hemsworth walked by. Tony got light-headed when Angelina Jolie took the stage. We all freaked out when Chris Pratt showed up. Iggy Azalea and Jennifer Hudson were amazing. 5 Seconds of Summer performed, and Tony and I wondered what percentage of the crowd knew that their song “What I Like About You” is a cover, not an original. There was a lot of slime, and a lot of screaming.

{Quick changes + touch-ups during commercial breaks}

{NICK JONAS!!!!!!!!!!!}

{EMMA STONE!!!!!!!!}

{ANGELINA JOLIE!!!!!!!}

{IGGY AZALEA + JENNIFER HUDSON!!!!!!!!}

{JLO!!!!!!!!!!!!}

{JLO + NICK JONAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!}

{NICK JONAS AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!}

{GRANDMA JONAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!}

{CLEANING UP DURING COMMERCIAL BREAKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!}

{CUPCAKES!!!!!!!!!!! Tony and I didn’t get any of these. Justin and Jeneffa had to sit separately from us and needed a break from the screaming, so they went outside and found these. All I got was this pic from Justin.}

{5 SECONDS OF SUMMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!}

And then, just like that, it was over. It felt like a fever dream; we were sweaty, delirious and stuffed with sliders, going from rushing around in the heat straight into an arena packed with flashing lights, kids hopped up on sugar mere feet from their idols and the constant low-level threat of green goo being dumped on your head. It was awesome. I have to pinch myself, that this is our life; Tony and I are so lucky, and it was surreal, getting to watch a sea of children have the best day of their lives.

{One last selfie. Bunny ears courtesy of Jade’s mom.}

It was also the coolest to see kids recognize Tony from Splitting Adam, and the guest star roles he’s had on various kid shows.

{Tony + Tate + Abby Chapman, the sweet actresses who played Tony’s niece in Splitting Adam}

I can’t imagine what next year is going to be like, once the show has aired. I told Justin I’m going to start a photo series called “Tony Posing With Underage Girls.” I hope I don’t get in trouble with Nickelodeon.

{Deaf + soaked in sweat + covered in popcorn dust post-show}

After the show, we went to Sushi Time followed by Carmela Ice Cream with Justin and Jeneffa. We ate all of the things. Pretty sure we collectively drank 12 pitchers of water. We were home by 9:30pm, Tony was in bed by 9:45 and asleep by 10. I can’t remember the last time we were so exhausted. I can’t wait for next year.

{Forgot to take a pic of Tony’s canvas gift bag, so here is one I took on accident}