Guys, I have a confession to make. I bought some pills online and I have no idea what’s really in them (Polypodium Leucotomos Calaguala extract appears to be the active ingredient), but I’m slurping one down every morning because it’s supposed to preserve my youth. Or, technically, help “maintain the skin’s ability to protect against sun-related effects and aging.” They’re called Heliocare Oral Capsules.

{*These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. Clearly, I do not care.}

I’m telling myself that it’s basically like drinking sunscreen. I read about it somewhere that I now can’t remember, probably at 2am a few glasses of wine in, and ordered it. I have no idea if it is working, but I am willing to spend hot cash on anything that promises “anti-aging” benefits that will keep my hopes of being cast as a collegiate alive for a few more years. Plus, it will hopefully help me not look like the leather bag I just spent too much money on when I’m old! Bottoms up to these mystery pills! (I hope I don’t die.)