I wrote before about all the reasons why I didn’t go to Coachella this year. And now, I present you with the reasons I am not going to Burning Man this weekend:

1. Because the above photo is what I wear when I go camping. (There are heels on those boots. They’re not a costume. They’re real life.)
2. I don’t shower as often as Tony would probably like me to. But, I like to know I have the option to shower.
3. I once heard a story about a friend of a friend meeting her husband in an orgy at Burning Man. I don’t know if it’s true. I don’t judge others for choices that don’t hurt other people or animals. But it just bummed me out, and it’s the first thing I think of anytime I hear “Burning Man.”
4. When I know what the weather is, I generally pack two suitcases. I don’t know what to pack when the website states: “And it could rain. It could flood. It could be freezing cold or blisteringly hot. We could get dust storms. Winds could reach 100 mph. We could be stranded for days. And listen: We are not making any of this up. We are not hyperbolizing. Be prepared. Always be prepared when you come here. It’s called radical self reliance.” Um, what?
5. I don’t want to party with the FBI.
6. WAIT, YOU CAN BRING YOUR KIDS??
7. Where do you pee?
8. I sunburn way too easily, and feel like I’d be that weird kid in the corner, wearing an SPF hat that I refused to barter, slathering myself with SPF 70 with Rainman-like intensity. And at all other times, I’d be Purell-ing myself.
9. This is as close as I come to creating art.
10. My version of “letting loose” is letting someone else decide where we’ll eat dinner and legitimately not caring where we end up! Even if it’s a chain restaurant! I don’t think I’d do well jumping from that to doing drugs with people I don’t know.
11. I shop at Forever 21. A lot… Like, too frequently.
12. It seems like Coachella for the cool people. Like, the people who are so cool that they have tons of Instagram followers but don’t even care that they have tons of Instagram followers. (But secretly do because they post Burning Man pictures to Instagram.)
13. I like 100% of the dogs I meet better than 99% of people I meet. The idea of interacting with that many strangers sounds like the worst.
14. On the FAQ page, under “Can I bring my dog?” one of the reasons why you can’t is “Nearby ranch owners will also shoot stray animals.” WHAT.
15. I don’t like to look at myself naked. I don’t want to look at other naked people, and I certainly don’t want them looking at me. I think nudity is involved, yes? Or did the FBI brainwash me?
16. The celebrities who go look like they’re in a survivalist-themed fashion shoot. But I know I would look like a human so covered with 3rd-degree sunburns, bug bites and canned soup stains, you can’t tell if I’m male or female.
17. There’s something called a “trash fence,” from what I understand.
18. I didn’t really like Mad Max: Fury Road.
19. Where do you poo? The survival guide tells you to bring an emergency toilet. If that toilet is the answer, I don’t like it.
20. I don’t want to pay $800 to haul my own toilet in, and my trash out.
21. I am a hoarder. I still have most of the class projects I made in elementary school, my cheerleading uniform, and jeans from 7th grade. The idea of creating something I’m passionate about, and then burning it makes me want to take a Xanax. (But maybe if I took one, I wouldn’t be so bummed about burning my art.)
22. Seriously, I have a hoarding problem. I don’t want to barter my things. If I need to add items to the stuff I’ve already hoarded, I want to buy them with cold, hard, hot cash.
23. At the end, do you also burn your pee and poo? Or haul it away in your dust-covered car along with your trash? I feel like the very fact that this is a question for me would make it difficult for me to make friends there.
24. One of the links on the homepage is “Bugs? What Bugs?” making me think I really should worry about bugs.