{Oh look, it’s a hipster in the shrubbery off a small highway hitchhiking to Coachella! From the look of her, I bet she will only accept a ride from an artisanal hybrid electric vehicle that runs on corn oil, but also costs more than a condo}

Not going to Coachella this year (even though I had a total blast dressing like I was at last week’s Topshop Coachella event). Variety of reasons why. Laid them out for you here:

1. I am a germaphobe.

2. I don’t know why neon fanny packs are cool, or why I need to own one or wear one on my body. But I hear if you don’t have one or don’t know why you need one, you shouldn’t even bother going. This alone gives me anxiety.

3. I don’t like breathing dirt or other humans’ sweat.

4. This has never been medically diagnosed, but I think I’m allergic to the sun.

5. I thrive in air conditioning.

6. My festival style is more “70’s hippie mated with a homeless person” than “Kate Moss meets early 20’s waifish-girlfriend-of-a-celebrity.”

7. Strangers stress me out.

8. Do they have food there? (If I have to ask, I know this will be something consuming my mind until I find food.)

9. I leave really awkward voicemails. (I feel like Coachella girls leave chill ones.)

10. Public restrooms give me the heebie-jeebies, and I have googled “Can you get STD’s from public restrooms?” on more than one occasion. (Helpful tip if you’re going to do this, too: DO NOT CLICK ON IMAGES.)

11. Seriously, what is the food situation? Because most of the girls look like they are totally cool going a few days without food.

12. There are other things I would like to spend the $435-$5200 on. Namely: Food. Adopting more dogs. Buying more clothes to look like I’m a cool festival chick. More food.

13. Taylor Swift is my favorite band. Not on the line-up, not going.

14. My hair doesn’t have rainbow colors or feathers sewn into it.

15. I have never heard of the following artists from the line-up: AB-Soul, Action Bronson, Addatap, Alf Alpha, Alchemy, Alison Wonderland, Allah-Las, Alt-J, Alvin Risk, An-Ten-Nae, Andrea Oliva, Andrew McMahon In The Wilderness, Angel Olsen, Angus & Julia Stone, Annie Mac, Antemasque, Axwell (SYMBOL I CAN’T FIND ON MY COMPUTER) Ingrosso, B.R.E.E.D., Bad Suns, Ben Klock, Bit Funk, Bixel Boys, Brand New, Brant Bjork & The Los Desert Punk Band, Carl Craig, Cashmere Cat, Charles Bradley And His Extraordinaires, Chet Faker, Chicano Batman, Chris Malinchak, Circa Survive, Claude Vonstroke, Cloud Nothings, Clozee, Coasts, Coyote Kisses, Danny Tenaglia, Dem Ham Boyz, Deorro, Desaparecidos, Dirtwire, Dirty South, DJ Harvey, DJP, Doc Martin Feat. Sublevel Live, Drive Like Jehu, Droog, Duke Dumont, Eagulls, Edu Imbernon, Erol Alkan, Falcons, Father John Misty, Fitz & The Tantrums, FKA Twigs, Flosstradamus, Flying Lotus, Fort Knox Five, Freddy Be, Gabe Real, Gesaffelstein, Glass Animals, Gordon City, Gramatik, Guy Gerber, Haerts, Hayden James, Hot Natured, J.E.S. + S. (Jackmaster, Eats Everything, Skream & Seth Troxler), Jackal, Jai Wolf, Jamestown Revival, Jamie XX… (I got sick of typing all the reasons I am uncool. But you get it.)